When everyone has an opinion about how you feed your baby

Something I see in a lot of houses I visit is a mother who is doing perfectly well, quietly losing confidence, because four different people have told her four different things that week. Nobody is being unkind. That is what makes it so hard to push back on.

Advice about feeding is rarely just advice. It usually carries some love, some worry, and quite often the memory of how somebody fed their own babies in a completely different era. Understanding where it is coming from makes it much easier to handle.

Why so much of it is out of date

Feeding guidance has changed enormously, and quite fast. Somebody who had babies in the seventies, eighties or nineties was told things that were the standard advice of the day and have since been overturned. Four hourly feeds. Ten minutes each side. Solids at four months, or earlier. Cereal in the bottle to help them sleep. Sleeping babies on their front.

None of that was foolish at the time. It was what the professionals were saying. So when your mother or your aunt tells you what she did, she is not dismissing you or your baby, she is repeating what she was taught, and it usually worked out because most babies are robust.

That is worth remembering when you are gritting your teeth at eleven at night.

The comments that come up most

"Are you sure she's getting enough?" The commonest one by a mile, and the one that does the most damage, because nobody can see into a breast. Nappies and weight are what answer it, not how long a feed took.

"You're feeding again? She can't be hungry." Newborns feed often. Eight to twelve times in twenty four hours is normal, and clustering in the evening is normal too. Frequent feeding is not evidence of a problem.

"Your milk isn't rich enough." Milk does not come in weak and strong versions, and it cannot be judged by looking at expressed milk in a bottle. It looks thin because it is meant to.

"She's using you as a dummy." Babies feed for comfort as well as food, and that is how it is supposed to work. Comfort feeding still transfers milk.

"You're spoiling him, you'll make a rod for your own back." You cannot spoil a newborn. Responding to a baby is what builds their sense that the world is safe.

"In my day we just gave a bottle and they slept." Sometimes true, and it will not help to argue the point. It also is not a reason to change what you are doing.

The things that genuinely are not safe

Most outdated advice is harmless. A few things are not, and it is worth being clear on them, because these are the ones where being polite matters less than being firm.

• Honey before one year. Not safe. Honey can carry spores that cause infant botulism, which is serious. Not in food, not on a dummy, not on the gums for teething. After the first birthday it is fine.
• Water before six months. Not needed and not safe in any quantity. Breastmilk and formula are mostly water already, and giving water fills a small stomach with something that has no calories, and can upset the balance of salts in a young baby.
• Cereal or rusk in a bottle. Does not help babies sleep, and it is a choking and overfeeding risk.
• Cow's milk as a main drink before one year. Fine in cooking from six months, but not as a drink until twelve months.
• Solid food before around six months. Babies need to be able to sit with support and control their head first.
• Sleeping on the front, or with pillows and bumpers. Back to sleep, on a firm flat surface, with nothing loose in the cot.
• Anything herbal or medicinal given to a baby, including gripe water and teething preparations, unless your GP, pharmacist or health visitor has said it is suitable for that age. Some are fine. Some are not, and some interact with other things.

If someone is giving your baby something you have not agreed to, that is not a matter of manners. You are allowed to say no, plainly, straight away.

Things you can actually say

You do not owe anybody a debate. Short and warm works better than a lecture, and you can use the same line every time.

• "That's really interesting, things have changed such a lot since then."
• "The midwife checked her this week and she's happy with how she's doing."
• "I know, it feels like a lot to me too. Apparently it's completely normal at this age."
• "I'm going to stick with what we're doing for now, but thank you."
• "I'd rather not, sorry." No reason needed. A reason invites a counter-argument.

Two more that help. Let your partner or another family member carry some of it, so it is not always you fielding the same conversation while you are the one feeding. And decide in advance which comments you will simply let go. You do not have to win every one. Silence is not agreement, it is just conserving energy.

When it is wearing you down

There is a difference between irritating and undermining. If you are starting to doubt yourself, or dreading visits, or quietly topping up because it is easier than the conversation, that is worth taking seriously. Losing confidence is one of the commonest reasons feeding stops before somebody wanted it to, and it is very rarely because anything was actually wrong with the feeding.

How a consultation helps

Quite often the most useful thing I do in a visit is not clinical at all. It is weighing the baby, watching a feed, and being able to say plainly that this is going well. That gives you something solid to hold on to when the next comment comes, and it is far easier to stand your ground when somebody who does this for a living has looked properly and told you what they found. If something does need changing, we will find that too, and then at least you are changing it for the right reason.